By: Isabell Springer & Jorelle Laakso, Driver’s Ed for Love
When we end a significant relationship, we feel cheated of the time we invested and cheated of our future. Although grieving and healing will be necessary, you can transform a painful experience into something positive for the future. Learning from the past will help prepare you for the possibility of a fulfilling, meaningful relationship with someone who understands and accepts you.
The emotional injuries from a divorce can propel us into serious self-reflection. There are no shortcuts through pain. Use it as a learning opportunity so you can get back behind the wheel. This is an opportunity to look inward and rediscover yourself in an intimate and powerful way. Psychologist Carl Jung said, “Those who look outside, dream. Those who look inside, awaken.” Are you willing to take the time to dig deep and reflect on who you are and what you are contributing to a relationship? Consider the benefits of doing personal growth work and the possibility of transforming yourself before entering your next relationship. Prepare yourself in every way you know how so you can feel safer and more confident.
The big message here is to take ownership of your well being. In your process of healing and growing, rely on your loved ones for support. Lean on friends and family and strengthen your network of relationships. You may have to schedule regular activities into your calendar that will get you out of the house, engaging in healthy relationships and feeling self-expressed. Try out that dance or art class you’ve been curious about, find solace in your spiritual roots or get outside and connect with nature. Replace that negative energy from your break up by enriching your life.
Consider these eight steps to find yourself after the breakup:
1. Forgive yourself. You’re not a failure. Nobody gave you the knowledge and skills that you needed to take excellent care of yourself in love relationships. It’s a cultural phenomenon that we are largely uneducated when it comes to choosing romantic relationships.
2. Take a positive perspective. This break up is the opportunity for growth and future fulfillment. This is your chance to rediscover yourself and to start making wise choices. You will be able to learn from this experience and prepare for the possibility of choosing a fulfilling, meaningful relationship with someone who gets you.
3. Take responsibility. Although it brings temporary comfort to point the finger, the fact is you chose that relationship at one time. Now you have the opportunity to step in to a whole new way of being. Take responsibility for choosing the relationship and how you contributed to the break up. It’s empowering to hold yourself accountable.
4. Let your loved ones in. Allow your friends and family to help you through this process. We’re social animals and we do much better when we are supported. Consider starting a monthly women’s group to provide yourself with invaluable female bonding. It’s like taking a vitamin – it’s maintenance for the emotional spirit.
5. Rediscover yourself. Pamper your creative side. Find comfort in your spiritual roots. Strengthen your physical body. Get outdoors and reconnect with nature. Devote time to enriching your life and feeling self-expressed in every way imaginable.
6. Learn and grow. Are you taking responsibility for how you were not taking care of yourself and how you contributed to your break up? If you’re up for that challenge, then consider engaging in some personal growth before entering the next relationship. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Next time you will choose a partner more wisely but what are you bringing to the table? Read relationship books, attend personal growth workshops and reflect with close friends who aren’t afraid to give you honest feedback.
7. Give it time. Be gentle with the process. Remember, there are no shortcuts through pain so avoid jumping back into romance. As much as we like to convince ourselves that we are “fine”, we have to allow healing to take its course. We recommend a full year after a serious break up before committing to anything. Spend time really getting to know yourself in a powerful way and you will enter the next relationship with greater confidence.
8. Finally, and most importantly – Never Settle in Love. Never settle for someone who keeps you small. Never settle for someone who refuses to understand you. Never settle for a relationship that has you losing part of your spirit or something about WHO YOU ARE. You are in the driver seat and you are in full control of who gets to ride along with you.
